Weakness & Strength

This is one of those posts I've been struggling to write.  It's one of those posts I write because I know I need to fess up to things that I'd rather not fess up to.  It's where I talk about my struggles and admit that I'm an imperfect human, too. 

Let's get to it, shall we?

Admission: I've always been totally fine with posting pictures of myself from the neck up like this one.



Me, June 27, 2013



I can paste on a smile, even give a genuine one, and hold the camera at just the right angle and I see that I look ok weight-wise.  Yes, I am down (as of Saturday, June 22nd, 2013) to 227.3 lbs. (according to the Wii, which is right on with the doctor's office's scales if I have it set at -2 lbs. (those who have Wii Fit/Wii Fit Plus will know what I'm talking about), and I could probably subtract a pound or so for the shorts and t-shirt I wear when I check my weight, but I don't, FYI) from around 245 lbs. in July of 2012 which is great...Until you consider that I was down under 215 lbs. for a little while there, almost down to 205 lbs. at times.  I hate when my weight yo-yos, but it does often, especially when I'm struggling to eat right and eating the wrong things more often than I'd like to admit.

Anyway, my point is, I'm ok posting pictures of my face, but when it comes to posting pictures of the rest of me?  Not so much.  In fact, I avoid it at all costs.  But today, for the sake of full disclosure and because I need to be just this brutally honest for myself, I am posting *gulps hard* side and front view pictures.



Side View of Me, June 27, 2013



Front View of Me, June 27, 2013



(Yes, these were taken in my bathroom.  I love me some owls! :) )

As you can see by the look on my face, I was not thrilled at taking these pictures, let alone posting them (I keep wanting to delete them), but as I said, I needed to.  Why?  Well, because I need to be honest.  What about?  My weakness.

I struggle so very much with eating right.  Oh, I know what to do.  I know when I shouldn't eat (i.e. when I'm an emotional mess or bored).  I know food is fuel and not entertainment or a pick-me-up.  I know I should stop eating when I'm full and not just eat because it's there or tastes good.  I know I should start with a smaller portion and eat slowly.  I know I shouldn't eat the processed junk because it makes me feel horrible and makes me hurt and makes me gain weight and is so not worth it.  I know I should eat more fruits and veggies and good for you proteins and whole grains and less sugar and and and.  I know all these things, but yet...here I am, struggling.

I am weak.  I admit it.  I thought I could do this without help, but I cannot.  I have decided that I'm tired of relying on me.  I'm tired of trying and failing.  I want to change old habits and there is only one way to do that: I need to lean and rely on God.

You see, God is the only One Who can give me strength to do those things I need to do.  He is the only One Who can show me how to change for good and to keep me from eating those things I shouldn't.  He is the only One Who can help me get active instead of eat to fill the voids or the boredom.  I need Him for everything, the little and the big things.  I thought this "little" thing could be mine to do alone, and He has allowed me to try, and it has ended up in utter failure.  So now, I turn to Him, begging for forgiveness and asking for His help, and you know what?  He's answered. :)

Each morning, I pray for God to help me have the strength to do what I need to do physically (easier to do with Fibromyalgia morning (and sometimes all day long) pains, maybe, but necessary nonetheless).  I also ask Him to help me feed my body right, to take care of myself right, to be a good mother and wife and housekeeper.  I beg Him to prompt me before I eat to ask Him if it is the right food, if I am really hungry, if it will be worth it, if I am eating for the right reasons, etc. and He has listened and is helping.  I can't say I always like that still small voice when I'm getting ready to grab that chocolate bar or scoop that sugar into my coffee, but I'm grateful for it.  It's what I need.

I am so grateful for a God Who listens and Who cares so much for me that He would help me with these things.  He has helped me with the worst of the cravings and is helping me find other ways to calm myself than by digging into the chocolate when I'm stressed or upset (namely by bringing scripture to mind like the one above or by showing me that I can wash those dishes or dust or go for a walk or play with the kiddos or any number of things to let out the emotion instead).  He is helping me learn to listen to my body's cues on when I'm truly full and even allowed those not good for me things to make me even sicker than they used to so that I'm not tempted to eat them any more, though I still struggle making wise choices sometimes.

At any rate, I guess I just want to say, "This is me.  I'm not perfect.  I struggle, too.  Please pray for me.  Thank you."

What are you struggling with?

What do you need me to pray with you about?

(This post was originally posted on my original site, Fibro, Fit and Fab!)